You are not dead.

You’re struggling today. And I’m going to tell you something I needed to hear. My own little Come to Jesus sesh with myself. Here it is. Stop depending upon other people for your hope. Right now. Stop it. And, when you do, you will stop assigning blame to other people for the absence of hope–the destruction of your emotional and physical health. It’s an important and necessary first step.

I get it. Lately I’ve been losing sleep. Sleep is absolutely essential to being in the right headspace. So, I haven’t been there. There’s been a time now where the days were dark, and overcast and even if the sun was shining and it was 80 degrees in February, they remained overcast to me. I stayed inside myself, waiting for it to pass. Because, I know me, and I know it will. But, nonetheless, there was a drizzle. There was a constant, grey down. I couldn’t find the sun, and I would have resented it if I felt it on my face. Damn it for blinding my eyes. I couldn’t sleep and I kept busy on my phone and I kept looking and waiting for someone to reach out with the power to pull me back up…

I was wrestling. I was mentally and emotionally battling demons, internal asshole demons telling me, “You knew you weren’t good enough. You don’t deserve it. You’re never going to be good enough. You always try, you always fail. You try too hard. You give too much. It’s too late. It will never be enough. Just stay down, because that is where you deserve to be.”

Those kind of things in my head play out when something doesn’t go right, or everything seems to go wrong. I think sometimes, while we manifest greatness, we also manifest our own fallings down and failures. And, there were times where I felt like every single hit that could come–was coming at me–at one time.

I couldn’t see the good. I wouldn’t see the good. I only saw the bad, and I struggled and struggled, and I knew I was in a struggle for my future wellbeing. Coming out of this again was going to be something where I had to dig really deep and find my drive and my will and that power within, and silence my inner insecurities with a, “No. You do deserve more. Don’t fight for something that clips your wings, fight for something that puts wind beneath your wings and fills your sails. Fight for the next breath within you.”

Yeah, I did that. I do that. I let fear overshadow me. Is it a person? Is it your heart? Is it imagining something that ends up inevitably not working? Did you put your hopes–did you pin them on something outside of yourself? Because, when you do that, you are destined to fail. Pin every hope on yourself. Let somebody compliment you, but don’t let them define. Let somebody compliment your strength and your power, but don’t let them be your strength and your power.

When you start some initiative, you start from somewhere great within you. You start from a place of hope. And hope is one of the most powerful feelings that you could ever have. If they could encapsulate hope and put it in a supplement and give it to every person, everyday, we would see the world change. Immediately.

And when we start something new, when we take on a new initiative of empowerment and bettering ourselves, it always comes from a place of hope. You can bury something in the ground, take away the sunlight from its immediate presence and it can then view itself in one of two ways. And here is the power of perception. This buried thing, can tell itself it is dead or it can feel itself breaking apart and growing, consuming and nourishing something greater, an ever-reaching for that sun. For, even though it can’t see it, it knows it is there. Even death is perception. Accept you’re buried and then grow. Once a flower or a fruit, you are now a seed that can dig in with roots, steady your core with a solid stem and push ahead. REACH. Break the darkness and find the sunlight, and–that is hope.

Now once you start feeding that hope and you begin something it spurs on, you wake up every morning with that challenge in mind. The one that leads to self improvement and you go for it. You don’t think about it, you just do it.

But, then, over time, some things happen…you start to doubt yourself, maybe the results aren’t there yet, maybe your body is kicking back, it’s hurting. If it’s a physical improvement, that sort of thing, maybe there is a bill that is due that you can’t pay when you’re trying to financially reach and achieve. There’s setbacks and those are the days when you wake up and you grimace at the thought of that improvement and bettering yourself and that routine. And, those are the days that are the hardest, those are the days when you have to find that staying force within you in the absence of that feeling of hope.

Because, those realities of life are temporary and they’re acting as dirt poured back over you as you reach for the sun. They are robbing you of hope–and you can’t let them. You wake up. You grimace. But you get it done and you keep staying the course, and that is the most important thing. It’s not what you do on the days in the presence of hope, it’s what you do when you reach for it and believe it’s still there on the days when it seems as though all hope is gone.

And then you’ll wake up again one day and you’ll look at that challenge and instead of a grimace, you’ll give it a wink.

I’ve got this.

No one and no thing can steal my hope. They can’t make me less. Because I have it all within me, and it is not a piece of me that can be taken, broken, restricted. It’s me. And, I’m impossibly profound. And every foot hitting the pavement, every beat of my heart, every effort, every tap of the keys on my keyboard, it’s all resonating in this harmony of perfection–profound perfection and achievement from one person–within, in spite of, overcoming–every obstacle that comes, that stifles you and tells you to feel that maybe you aren’t a seed. Maybe you are just dead.

So today, let it be a day where you lace up your shoes and you straighten out your body, and you feel the pain here, the resistance there, the thirty minutes that are in front of you that are going to be challenging–give them a little half smile, give them a wink. And then go get them.

Yesterday, I sat down and put my head in my hands and I cried. That shoulder shaking sobbing cry. Frustrated. Feeling like I’ve sunk so far and can’t grow fast enough. Then, I got up and I grimaced at the physical pain in my legs and I pushed myself to take on the day my circumstances required me to.

Today I ran over a head’s up penny. I smiled as I did so and kept my pace. Maybe I even sped up. Because I blew on those embers inside of me. I reminded myself that I don’t need someone, or something to give me hope. I don’t need to stoop and pick up something dropped by someone else carelessly and with disregard. Hope is so much more than the value I could ever put on that penny.

Here’s the thing though. You know how you meet a person and suddenly the universe feels better? Like everything is looking up and the future is exciting? That’s hope, and that is internal. It is not something that person has given you. It is something that has always been inside of you but now you are feeding it. This is where it gets so tricky. You can’t pin the hope to the person. Nor can you pin it to the thing, the job, the raise, the trip, the goal. Because the person isn’t and shouldn’t be responsible for your happiness. The thing, the job, the raise, the trip or the goal will or won’t happen, but, where do you go from there if they are where you place hope and they depart? Attach hope to yourself and feed it, but never attach it to anyone or anything else and it will never be lost.

I have been called an alpha a few times recently. I have never been called a narcissist (to my face at least). However, one thing that bothers me are all these posts from people harboring a victim mentality and blaming the narcissist for destroying them. I feel like that is a get out of jail free pass, everyone is a narcissist so I don’t have to improve or better myself. It isn’t me. It is them. Be careful you aren’t letting yourself be a victim and placing blame. Be careful of that.

I am not a narcissist. I am an alpha. I have to guard my hope and feed it and never let anyone or anything diminish it. I’m learning that. I’m coming into my own.

I see so many women struggle through relationships. Women like me, who have walked through hell and hard times to divorce because the relationships they were in were killing them and were unhealthy. Again, they tried to make someone else happy and thought by doing that, they would be happy. Wrong.

So these people gear up and get on and try again at life. But what do they do? They go for the same man. Different name, different shape, same man. They have the same problems. They are feeding the feelings of not being good enough, caring more than he does, making him their world. Wrong.

I’m so guilty of it too. I have my own demons. I am wrought with insecurities. But, I’ve stopped feeding them. I allow myself to feel. I sit down and have a good cry when something doesn’t work out the way I hoped. Or, when I’m stressed because I haven’t found the solution to a problem I’m facing. But then I dig deep. I harness the power within. I find my guts, I find my passion and I grit my teeth and I go on, every step more powerful.

I am a woman. I am a role model. I am a mother. I am a lover. I am alive. I am a seed. I am not dead. And I am not a narcissist. And, I love me.

Ladies and gentlemen, today…do YOU.

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